Filed under: day 4
I feel much better today. I went to see my CDC to swap the soups for shakes and I am indeed 10 stone 11lbs, down from 11stone 3lbs. So that’s six pounds since Monday! Not bad.
Filed under: day 3
I don’t feel great today. I am in a shitty mood. I am wondering when the hunger passes and the much fabled ketosis kicks in. I woke up in the middle of the night and nearly grabbed some food. When I woke up this morning, I didn’t feel too bad. I hate the soups so am exchanging them tomorrow for more shakes.
I weighed myself, probably shouldn’t have, and I seem to be down to 10st 11lbs from 11st 3lbs. It’s water weight but I do find it rather shocking.
You think I’d be pleased but I’m not stupid, I know that this diet is anorexia in sachets. If you ate one chocolate bar a day and took 100% vitamin supplements, the effects would be exactly the same. All diets exploit desperate people, it’s where they make their money. And most people gain all the weight back so it’s circles of ad nauseum.
Why am I doing it then? The control and having set things to eat helps me. Diets are all the same, and I’d rather do this than Weight Watchers because I can’t be arsed to measure stuff and count calories. And this is only short term; as soon as I reach my goal you can bet that I will be reintroducing food. I like food. Food is nice. As far as I see it, this is taking three months out of my life to try and sort my weight out. It makes me a stinking hypocrite since I have vehemently attacked diets in the past, and I’ve promoted fat acceptance. But, although I think people who want to lose weight may be desperate for solutions, they’re not stupid and I know what I’m doing.
I do worry about diets encouraging disordered eating. The Atkins diet did for me. It demonised carbohydrates in my eyes. On the forums I have been on, I’m aghast at how people talk about themselves. Believe me, I have my share of body image problems and I don’t want to go into them here. But people are openly calling themselves fat and hideous, and they have “safe” foods. Nobody is fat and hideous and weight, in the end, it is a number, and nothing to do with what kind of person you are.
I’m not being wilfully negative, it’s the truth. How will I be different? I hope I will because I don’t really have problems with compulsive/emotional eating. I long ago got myself out of that cycle. I can usually maintain my weight, give or take a few months. The highest I’ve ever weighed was 12st 8lbs, which went up from 10st after taking Olanzapine. 10 stone is still overweight, but that was out of laziness, I didn’t really care at that point. When I stopped taking them I got down to 10 stone again. My weight then hovered around there or half a stone lower for a few years. Then I started taking different medications and I gained weight very quickly. I’ve been to the doctors and all, and they acknowledge that my medication does cause weight gain, but didn’t give me much advice on what I could do to help myself.
Fuck knows how my metabolism is doing after all that.
My aim is just to get down to a normal weight for my height. It might be 8stone 3lbs (I’ve adjusted my goal a little) but it might be a little over that. I hope to get to that weight but I’m aware that bodies have a natural level. I am in no way designed for waifiness and thinness. I may be tiny in height, but I am quite broad in stature. I have wide shoulders, huge hips and big boobs. I just want to feel healthy. And I can’t afford new clothes so fitting into the stuff I have would be nice.
When I lose the weight I don’t intend to gain it back. My habits slipped recently (before embarking on this diet) into eating crap, but I was just feeling lazy. I’d go out for a walk or cycling and think, “I can’t be arsed to cook” so would grab some cheap, crap food. It didn’t affect my weight but it did make me tired.
However, I don’t want to get into self punishing rituals. If I slip up and eat something while doing this, I’ll dust myself off and just get back on. My mental health has been pretty bad. I am trying to crawl out of those holes by managing my illness and adjusting my attitudes. And that involves learning to like myself in some way and allows for some flexibility. In the past, I’ve deeply hated myself for having a bar of chocolate, even if I didn’t eat much else that day. I’m trying to get out of that mindset. So I’m not really reading anything from people who say, “oh no, I am so BAD I ate some FOOD!!!!!11!” because it’s not bad, food is not the enemy. Food can sometimes be lovely, and pleasurable and pampering.
It has taken a long, long time for me to get myself out of that mindset. I still lapse occasionally and rebuke myself; for, everything really, but I am making the conscious effort not to.
It’s day 2 and I’m feeling pretty good.
I had chicken and vegetable soup last night. Certainly an acquired taste, I put far too much water in it and it was horrible.
Spicy tomato for tonight.
/dull post
Filed under: day 1
Snigger, snigger, I am splitting my shakes in half. Just had half the chocolate mint for lunch, and the other half shall be used later for some hot chocolate. And I’ll have soup for dinner. Hopefully it won’t be disgusting. I’ve been pleasantly surprised by the taste of the shakes.
I am quite hungry, but I am feeling very grateful that I’m off work at the moment. I do have some “projects” (designing stuff for the BHA and writing some content for a new mental health site) but if I was in an office while people trickled in with wafty smelling food, I’d crack instantly I think.
At home I have no groceries in anyway so I’m okay!
Today’s my first day on the Cambridge Diet. I had a strawberry shake for breakfast this morning and promptly spilled it all over myself. Classy. It was the little shaker thing I bought, it didn’t close properly.
I’ve been drinking tea without the milk and it’s not bad! I could get used to it. Laying off coffee as it makes me go a bit weird.
It’s a glorious day and I really want to zip around the park on my bike. I’m quite wary of the “no vigorous exercise in week 1″ rule, but will stick to it. I don’t want to pass out in a bush somewhere, only to be found by a curious and hungry fox. When I’m acclimatised I am determined to get some exercise in. It’ll help with loose skin, too.
I weighed in at 11 stone 3lbs on Saturday. I’m a little miffed and worried that, by the end of next week, I might only be 11st again. I am hoping that the 3lbs was just TOM weight.
I’m also apprehensive about how much my medication will slow down weight loss. I’ve gained a lot of weight on it, without changing my diet (in fact, by the end, I was eating a lot less). The doctor didn’t say much about the medication when he read the paperwork and signed the forms but he does acknowledge that they do cause weight gain. I was surprised by his reaction to this. He’s been a GP for 25 years and knows all about the diet. He was actually very encouraging and supportive. I’d assumed he’d chew my head off and write, “EAT LESS” on a piece of paper.
I want this to work and I don’t want my stupid body stopping it from working. All I want to do is to get my weight into somewhere it’s healthy, and somewhere I can admire in the mirror without running off and wanting to cry.
There’s no pressure on me, though. I don’t really get criticism for my appearance that much. My friends are lovely and would never tell me I looked bad, even if I did.
I know I am very overweight but I’ve got “a nice face”. A “nice face” is usually the backhanded compliment I get. I want to say, “MY BODY IS SMOKING HOT TOO YOU KNOW!”
And I am lucky to be with someone who never criticises my appearance, and who has never, and would never, tell me to lose weight.
So this one’s all for me. And that’s almost a bit scary.
The shakes are quite nice, I’m going to attempt the vanilla for lunch. They leave an odd aftertaste, though, kind of metallic. I brushed my teeth after drinking my breakfast. I put a lot of water in it. It was almost too much, and I struggled to get down what was left of it.
Filed under: Uncategorized
My period has come. I have PCOS, so usually this makes me happy, it’s a sign that I’m ticking over and that my insides are resisting the inexorable march towards infertility. But it means that my weight is going to fluctuate over the next week and that I probably won’t lose as much. My body holds onto weight for dear life when I have my period.
Well, the doctor has signed the form, my fridge is bare, there’s £40 spilling out of my wallet and it’s deep breath time.
Tomorrow I’m picking up my first week of Cambridge Diet packs and I begin on Monday. Why Monday? Well, for the same reason that I’ll get out of bed at 9.10am but not 9.09am. It’s just a rounded kind of day, it hollers, “The week begins!”
Why I Am Doing This
The biggest reason I’m embarking on this way of eating is because I have gained a lot of weight taking psychiatric medications for manic depression.
I arrived at a quandary recently. I was sick to death of gaining weight because of medications. So I stopped taking all my medication. That was a mistake. I went “odd” almost immediately and the withdrawal was hellish. I couldn’t sleep and was tormented by constant itching.
I’ve decided that I need to actively do something about my weight so that I can continue taking my medications. I’ve tried a lot of diets, notably, the Atkins diet. But I get bored of cooking and the convenience side of the Cambridge Diet appealed to me even more than the weight loss. I’m confident that by the time I finish Sole Source, I’ll be so desperate for real food that I’ll actually want to cook. I’m very overweight, but I wasn’t always. My weight has fluctuated in the past year and a half from 9 stone 4lbs to 12 stone 3lbs. Now I am 11st.
My weight does bother me. I feel bloated and my confidence is shot; I feel like crap in general because I don’t eat very well. I want to use the Cambridge Diet to sort out vitamins and minerals and to learn how to feed myself properly. I want to lose weight so I can fit into 10-12 clothes and hold my head high in the street.
I want to keep this blog because I find life easier when I record what’s going on. I’m a little wary of telling people I’m on this way of eating, because I suspect they’ll dismiss it as a fad diet, so, this is my way of charting my progress and such without having to talk to my friends about it.
I’m 22 and a small Irish person, by the way.
My stats, then, as of 22nd February 2008:
Height: 4ft 11″
Weight: 11 stone 3lbs/157lbs. Never again after Monday.
BMI: 31.5- obese, according to the mostly bullshit BMI table.
Bust: 38 1/4 in (hurrah for boobies!)
Waist: 33 1/2 in
Hips: 42 1/4 in
Goal Weight: 8 stones 5lbs
BMI: 24-ish
First goal: To weigh 14lbs less/be 10stone by 22/03/2008
I think it’s doable. I really hope it is.
What I am scared of:
Not having the willpower and of not losing weight. My medication might slow weight loss. And I am scared that I’ll crack. I use food so socially. When I want to show my boyfriend that I care for him, I tend to feed him. Food is a bonding thing for me, because I no longer drink alcohol.
I am scared that the diet will aggravate my moods and unsettle them further. I’m also scared of having excess skin left. I doubt it, though, because I exercise, am young and my skin is usually quite good. But I worry.
But I want to stay strong. I have heard the first days are pretty bad, I just need to grit my teeth and look to the future. I’ve been through worse, and this is for my health, for my happiness and I am really not sacrificing anything. In maybe half a year, I will be 8 stone 5lbs.
What I am looking forward to:
Being slim! Not cooking. The money I’ll save, I spend a horrendous amount on food. Losing inches, my size 16s being too small. Not moaning to Rob about my weight constantly. Feeling in some control of my size. The possibility that this might actually help my moods by stabilising my blood sugar. Going to the doctors and not being told to lose weight. Going home to Belfast and being a similar size to the rest of my family, not the “fat sister”.
Rewards and Carrots
For every 7lbs I lose, I will:
- Hit the charity shops for something nice
When I lose 14lbs, I will:
- Treat myself to something nice, like a trip to the zoo (seriously, the zoo rocks)
No punishments or self abasement for not losing anything.
I’ll see how it goes.
Sunday night is my last full meal for a bit.
I am going to exercise but am going to give it a week to clear the head. I cycle and walk a fair bit so will just keep that going.
I need to set creative goals like courses and stuff, because I want to learn while I’m off work. But I’m severely inhibited by lack of funds. I need to write a book, and I’ve been putting that off because of my moods. I want the first six months of this year to be Sort Your Mind and Body Out Months. Then, I will feel far more able.
See you on Day 1….
